Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Part 1

While the black beasts are enjoying their burgeoning relationship…

Rishi and Riya act like the sane people they are and initiate the conversation with the person they’re married to and not with each other!

R&R part, and Riya ends up walking right alongside an oblivious Maya, who’s about to meet up with Dev. They walk towards him in a painful slow-motion sequence that lasts for at least 5 minutes.

Wife ends up with the bouquet. Mistress gets one lousy rose as consolation…

…which is subsequently found by puppy-eyed Rishi.

Due to the rose confusion, all marriage conflicts are forgotten…

…and there’s trouble brewing in black beast paradise! Maya’s going out to see a ballet performance with Rishi, instead of spending time with Dev.

Being the gross weirdo that he is, Dev stalks her to the ballet.

Being the gross weirdo that she is, Maya uses Rishi as a prop to make Dev jealous.

Being the gross people that they are, instead of STOPPING with all the awful things they’re doing, Dev and Maya decide to consummate their affair. 

Rishi and Riya are celebrating being married…

…while sexytimes are happening down the street. DON’T JUDGE ME FOR THAT SCREENCAP!

Oh, just so you know, Sexy Sam and Dev’s Mom have become besties. They’re so tight, that Sam is even throwing her a birthday party!

During said party Dev randomly confesses to the affair, just to turn it into a bad joke seconds later.

Just when you thought he has reached the limits of douchiness, Dev surprises you!

Maya is pissed at him for almost blowing their cover, but it’s nothing awkward necking can’t cure.

Dev must be REALLY good in bed, cause that’s the only explanation for why he gets away with so much crap all the time.

 Sexy Sam and Dev’s Mom catch them in flagrante delicto. That’s what you get for making out in the middle of the freaking street! It’s not rocket science, people! You’re having a sordid affair…be discreet!

Sexy Sam has no problem getting jiggy with a different prostitute every day, but one lousy instance of catching daughter-in-law cheating and he’s done for. RIP Sammy.

Somebody had to DIE for it to happen, but Dev and Maya finally realize that they need to STOP and confess.

Riya is having none of that shitty apology pie!

Rishi is also not having it.

Trying to rectify past mistakes of idiot behavior both Maya and Dev lie that their marriages are fine. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

I swear, Maya cries a literal river during the montage video that follows.

It’s 3 years later and Rishi is remarrying! Maya is his only family (since she killed off Sexy Sam and all), so he invites her to be his best man at the wedding.

At Rishi’s wedding…(good job on casting Botox McCollagen face there as his bride).

Proving once again that they’re TOO GOOD for the black beasts, R&R tell Maya to go get her loser boyfriend.

And the moral of the story is…sometimes even selfish jerks get a happy ending.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (Photo Recap Pt. 1)

KANK! Don’t judge me harshly, but I have a soft spot for Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. I know that a lot of people are offended by the subject matter of KANK, but…seriously? KANK is just so silly, that I find it hard to be offended. It’s like a sitcom mixed with a European play! Also, nobody should ever take KANK seriously for the following reasons:

• First of all, it’s a total ripoff of the De Niro/Streep starrer “Falling In Love”.  A ripoff so blatant I’m surprised no one has ever called KJo out on it.
• Secondly, don’t tell me KJo wasn’t watching Dr. House before writing this movie, cause Shah Rukh’s douche of a character was definetely inspired by a certain diagnostician with a limp.
• Thirdly, the three people who wrote this movie either did not communicate with each other or were on mood-altering drugs, cause that’s the only way I can explain the wild shifts in the narrative. Masala movies have got NOTHING on KANK.
• Lastly…the freaking BLACK BEAST plot. Come on, now. Any movie that features something as silly as that BLACK BEAST plot, can not be judged seriously.

With all these highly important points out of the way, I present you our four protagonists.

Desi Beckham aka Dev, who has just signed a $5 million contract to play professional football in the US. Yeah. That’s not a typo…FIVE MILLION. For football aka soccer. In the US of A. Ahem. (I told you KANK was silly!).

Riya, Dev’s wifey, who has just been appointed chief editor of a major fashion magazine.

Maya, who is ambivalent about getting married.

Rishi, who loves Maya, but is ambivalent about getting married, cause he’s scared she doesn’t love him back. Also in the frame, Rishi’s pervy Dad Samarjeet aka Sexy Sam.

Dev chances upon Maya contemplating her upcoming shaadi on a bench (what is it with KJo and benches?). He convinces her to be pragmatic and give marriage a shot, reasoning that romantic love is basically a marketing ploy.

Right after sharing the unsolicited advice, future superstar of US football gets hit by a car. RIP $5 million.

Four years later, and New York is terrorized by BLACK BEAST, a serial kidnapper, who wears a long black coat and snatches little children.

Dev has developed a limp and a personality of an angry asshole, but he’s not the BLACK BEAST.

Maya’s not the BLACK BEAST either, but she’s totally regretting the marriage thing.

BLACK BEAST reunites our one-time acquaintances, when Maya overhears Dev chiding his little son for poor footballing skills. Rightly freaked out by threats of “cutting into tiny pieces and making jamba juice out of you”, she thinks Dev is the BLACK BEAST.

What follows could have been lifted straight out of a Benny Hill special. She grabs the boy and runs, with Dev in hot pursuit. BLACK BEAST confusion ensues. It all ends with Dev hitting her in the head with a football.

Rishi and Riya meet while picking up their black beasts from the hospital.

Dev and Maya have recognized each other from four years ago and are already bickering.

 A week later, they meet in the train station and witness Rishi and Riya getting friendly.

What follows is another segment straight out of The Benny Hill Show.

Dev is jealous!

Maya is also jealous!

Sexy Sam is always surrounded by prostitutes (I’m not being mean or anything, these women are literally call girls)! Anyway, of course, there is nothing going on between Rishi and Riya. Rishi was only trying to get Riya to come to the party his PR firm had organized.

The two black beasts stand around in the corner during the whole party, cause they’re too anti-social to mingle and dance with Kajol.

Sexy Sam tries some ice-breaking exercises to ease the tension.

Instead of talking to their respective spouses or going to counseling or something (you know, like normal people), Dev and Maya decide to join forces and fix their marriages with self-help books and a number of unconventional methods.

I’m assuming that they’re not getting laid at all, cause in order to solve their marital problems…

…Maya teaches Dev to talk dirty to Riya…

…and Dev advises Maya to buy skimpy lingerie and a whip.

The massage and the dirty talk don’t work well for Riya.

The dominatrix act also goes horribly wrong, cause Maya decides to blindfold herself (WHY?!). She shows up brandishing her whip to a room full of Rishi’s friends and his creepy Dad.

Content with the minimal effort they’ve put in the “fix our marriages” project, Dev and Maya just hang out and go on “friend dates”.

Pyaar dosti hai…you know the drill.

Meanwhile the real problems in Dev’s marriage come to the surface.

Riya rightly accuses Dev of being a narrow-minded misogynist and a bitter curmudgeon.

Maya’s lack of enthusiasm also riles Rishi up.

He calls her out on marrying him for the wrong reasons and lets it slip in a moment of rage, that he wants the child he can’t have.

Being the black beasts that they are, both Maya and Dev end up at the train station in the middle of the night.

UGH.

For one short millisecond they agree to NOT have an affair. But then…

Whoopsie daisy!

Part 2

Fanaa (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Part 1

It’s 7 years later, and Tabu hasn’t aged a day. Rehan’s terrorist group has been busy all this time by building a nuclear explosive device from scratch. It’s almost ready – they only need an Indian trigger to activate it (this doesn’t make sense on SO MANY LEVELS.) There are like 6 triggers in the whole of India and they’re all being brought to Delhi for safe-keeping, cause the Intelligence Agency hasn’t heard of the old “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” strategy.

We cut to a helicopter, which is transporting one of the trigger thingies. Aaaaaand who is there handing out poison tea like there’s no tomorrow? Well, that’s our ace terrorist Rehan!

He kills off all the soldiers on the helicopter, steals the trigger and escapes. Indian soldiers chase him in awesome snow camouflage suits, but they all end up dead, cause he’s just THAT good. He does get stabbed at some point, though.

A tired, wounded Rehan ends up at the only house in the area.

OMFG OMFG IT’S ZOONI!

But she’s actually calling out for…dun dun dun…REHAN, HER SON! THERE’S TWO OF THEM NOW!

This kid…this kid. Let me just say it upfront, I kind of hate this kid. He is SIX, why is he still referring to himself in the third person? Ugh.

We find out that Zooni’s Mom has died and she lives with Rehan Jr. and her alcoholic Dad. Bummer. The situation is exacerbated by Rehan Sr. being a jerk.

He’s not jerk for long, though. Rehan Jr. soon wants to call him “Dad”.

After spending a couple of days with Zooni and the child, Rehan decides to come clean. Well, he kind of lies about being an Indian soldier on a secret mission, but he does admit that he is Rehan!

Alcoholic Dad has some wise words for Zooni. But she is furious at Rehan for making her believe he was dead and refuses to take him back.

Sad Rehan Sr. decides to leave the next morning, but…

They get married instead!

TV channels start broadcasting a warning about a terrorist with a “Portable Nuclear Warhead Detonation Device” on the loose. WHO DOES THAT? That’s like a surefire way to start collective hysteria in the country.

OF COURSE, Rehan Sr. has the trigger laying around in plain sight. Of course. Cause he’s a genius terrorist mastermind and that’s what they do. I mean, if even alkie Rishi Kapoor can find it…that’s a definite FAIL, Rehan.

After discovering the trigger, Rishi volunteers to drive Rehan to his friend Colonel’s house, supposedly so Rehan can contact the army. He tries to be a hero…

…but ends up being thrown off a cliff (in one of the most fake-looking scenes in the history of cinema).

Rehan gets to Colonel’s house and lets his Grandpa, the lead terrorist, know that he has the trigger and is alive.

Meanwhile, Zooni is out with Rehan Jr., when she comes across her Dad’s dead body floating under ice.

She gets back home, where Rehan lies through his teeth.

By this time, the Intelligence Agency has come up with a sketch of Rehan, that doesn’t look ANYTHING like him. Get some better sketch artists, people.

Zooni puts two and two together (FINALLY!), gets the trigger from Rehan’s army jacket (again…leaving that freaking trigger unattended is the height of stupidity) and escapes to Colonel’s house…

…only to find lots of un-mopped blood. Which is just SLOPPY, Rehan.

She radios the Indian army to tell them she’s got the trigger to a NUCLEAR DEVICE, and her husband is the genius terrorist and they get back to her by saying they’ll be there next morning. FOR REAL?

Next morning, Rehan Sr. shows up, having walked the whole night, and starts asking stupid questions.

He snatches that blasted trigger from Zooni, saying that his Grandpa, the main terrorist, will definitely torture Rehan Jr., if they don’t give up the trigger. He also promises her that no one will actually set off the nuclear bomb.

Rehan Sr. starts talking like Rehan Jr., so it’s definitely time for him to DIE.

We cut to Zooni and Rehan Jr. at Rehan Sr.’s grave.

Yeah, Rehan Jr., your Father was kind of a bad man, cause he killed innocent people (even your own Grandpa), blew up buildings and lied to your Mom. But your Mom’s not gonna tell you that! NO! She’s just gonna gloss over the ugly truth and talk about herself in the third person.

THE END.

Fanaa (Photo Recap Pt. 1)

Meet Zooni! She’s a blind dancer from Kashmir! For her – East or West, India is THE BEST! She’s preparing for a trip to Delhi to perform at a concert dedicated to Republic Day.

Her parents are also adorable, but VERY misguided.

In Delhi, Zooni and her friends meet Rehan. Rehan likes himself very much.

“Rehan” means basil in Armenian.  Hence, whenever anybody said “Rehan”, (and believe you me, his name is mentioned A LOT) I kept picturing basil.

The basil issue and his sweet sweet moves were probably the main things that undermined the “Casanova” image Fanaa creators were going for.

Also, let’s be real, the boy Aamir Khan may have been cute, but the man Aamir Khan is not exactly a charmer.

But hey, Zooni is blind, so the aged hobbit look is not turning her off.

They have a very weird courtship, cause Rehan keeps on showing up late, getting into her personal space, scaring her with spooky stories and unexpectedly grabbing her from behind.

To make it even weirder (and to solidfy Rehan’s street cred) Lara Dutta shows up for 3 seconds. This gives ol’ basil boy a chance to check out her cleavage and make it clear to Zooni that he’s a playa, who has “needs” and not “feelings”.

On Republic Day, Zooni performs with her friends, while Rehan watches.

After the concert, Zooni tries some of Rehan’s own flirting techniques.

Rehan is totally freaked that the person, whom he pursued aggressively for days is liking him back. Instead of behaving like a normal person and letting the blind girl down easy, he just doesn’t show up for their next date. Rotten basil!

Desperate, she stalks him at his job and gets him to agree to another day together. A DAY THAT ENDS IN PRE-MARITAL SEX! SHOCK!

The morning after Rehan ditches Zooni at the train station…

…only to come back for her in about 15 minutes! Not so rotten, after all!

He stops the train and carries Zooni away, while her dumb friends start referencing certain movies they should NOT be referencing!

THE ONLY BRAVEHEART THAT EVER TOOK THE BRIDE WAS THIS GUY RIGHT HERE!

HMPH! Meanwhile, Rehan has carried Zooni straight to the hospital.

Where it turns out that her blindness can be easily reversed!

But this is only the first half of the movie! Surely, this can’t be the happy ending? And, of course, it’s NOT. Cause a Kashmiri terrorist group blew up the government building, where Zooni was performing the other night!

And Rehan’s bracelets were in the building.

We cut to TABU (actually this was probably the most pointless cameon of 2006, sorry, Lara Dutta) talking about the mastermind of the Kashmiri terrorist group that organized the bombing.

Her speech is interpersed with shots of a man walking…and when the camera finally pans over his face, we see that the genius terrorist is none other than BASIL BOY!

DUM DUM DUM! THE PLOT THICKENS!

Part 2

Dil To Pagal Hai (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Part 1

First, Rahul acts like a desperate douche by begging Pooja to consider taking the role of Maya.

Then, he acts like a ragey douche by shouting her down, when she doesn’t dance like Maya of his dreams.

To top it all off, our angry young man briefs Nisha on the situation.

Even though Pooja and Rahul are getting pretty chummy, he’s not that devastated at the news that she’s engaged to be married.

Oh, also if you thought that the audience is not getting any more hints, you’re totally wrong. All throughout the bonding session between Rahul and Pooja, we are treated to flashbacks, musical cues and explicit anvil-like clues on the EPICNESS of their jodi.

During a routine rehearsal, Pooja is busting out some sweet moves with several fierce dudes in leotards, when…

This dance-off is as amazing as Nisha’s DKNY headband, cause it’s the weirdest, most ridiculous dance-off in the history of the world. At least 3 minutes of it is Nisha jumping around in a circle around Pooja.

The dance-off gives Nisha some perspective on her life choices. She decides to get away from all the Maya-Pooja drama and give Rahul some space.

While Nisha’s in London, the bond between Miss “Worst-dressed of 1997″ and Rahul grows. They’re even having simultaneous hallucinations of each other in the same song. That is some true love, y’all.

They go to visit Pooja’s dance teacher, who is supposed to be this “tough love” character, but is actually a pretty mean person. Who tells a 10 year old, that they’ve put on weight? I mean, come on, lady…lay off the kids!

She does nudge Rahul in the right direction, though. Gotta give credit, when credit’s due.

YEAH, BABY. ICONIC “AUR PAS” SCENE.

Surprise neck kisses are the best!

At the same time, surprise neck kisses do tend to complicate things.

FYI, Rahul has basically plagiarized his life for the Maya play, so he’s now forced to rehearse/act out events that are actually happening.

Nisha finally realizes that this movie is engineered to bring Rahul and Pooja together.

Pooja decides to do the right thing and dump Ajay via cassette. Girl…at least have the decency to do it to his face!

Right when she’s done recording her break-up cassette/ode of love to Rahul (she is one COLD woman…you’re breaking up with Ajay and singing praises to the other guy?! C’MON!), Ajay’s Mom comes in with the wedding sari. Cue emotional atyaachar, childhood memories and orphan guilt. The cassette is forgotten and Pooja starts preparing for the impending wedding.

Ajay is hyper about the wedding and totally blind to Pooja’s sourface.

On the day of the performance Rahul decides to come out of left field and starts asking questions that were NOT part of the play.

Pooja, Maya…who can keep track?

AHA! Ajay has found the break-up cassette!

But no drama…He’s cool with the Rahul angle and just wants Pooja to be happy!

There was NO chance for another ending here.

Picture abhi baki hai, mere dost! *wink wink, nudge nudge*.

Dil To Pagal Hai (Photo Recap Pt.1)

Dil To Pagal Hai…The alternate version of KKHH. One of the quintessential Yash Chopra romances. The movie so full of fluff and candy floss that it practically screams “recap me on Valentine’s Day”. I tried recapping Bodyguard (yeah, that didn’t happen), but dil to pagal hai, dil deewana hai….and I decided to stick with SRK romance.

Not to confuse the gullible audience, our movie starts with the mission statements of the leads.

She believes in soulmates, chocolate hearts and eternal love.

He thinks romantic love is BS.

He is Rahul (naam to suna hoga…at least from another half a dozen SRK films), a choreographer cum actor cum dancer cum director. And he’s got a new idea for a play.

The play is gonna be about “Maya”. A nice, sweet girl (the Sati Savitri type), who lives in her dreams and dances only for herself. Ahem. Rahul’s specific description of Maya is intercut with footage of Madhuri Dixit running around in a very unflattering salwar kameez. We get it, we get it…SHE IS MAYA!

Your white salwar kameez WILL get grass stains.

We find out that our “Maya” is actually called Pooja. She’s an orphan, who lives with her parents’ friends. Oh, and she gets cassette tapes from Ajay, the son of her benefactors. Cause Ajay is too damn lazy to pick up a pen and write a letter.

Elsewhere, Rahul is still daydreaming about Maya, while Nisha, his dancer friend is not impressed.

Of course, all his daydreaming is intercut with Pooja dancing around like a loony, to make sure we UNDERSTAND that “Maya =  Pooja”.

Just to drive home the point that Pooja and Rahul are meant to be, they ALMOST meet three times before they ACTUALLY meet.

One of these instances involves fitting rooms.

Again, to make sure, the dum-dums (aka the audience) really GETS the epicness of Rahul/Pooja’s destined love, they even almost kinda meet on Valentine’s Day. And it’s not even regular VDay, it’s super magical VDAy that falls on the full moon and ensures that the meeting of two soulmates will take place before midnight.

Rahul is giving the Mother of all eye-rolls to VDay.

Too bad, Nisha. If you’ve been watching this movie, you’d know that with the amount of signs Rahul and Pooja are getting Sir Jesus God is not gonna give you a chance.

Of course, Pooja gets a wrong phone call just before midnight, thus solidifying her mystic and God-ordained future love.

The next day Pooja gets a surprise visitor – Ajay, her lazy childhood friend!

When Ajay’s short visit is over, he proposes marriage to her.

Driven by friendly affection Pooja non-verbally accepts the proposal.

Meanwhile Rahul, Nisha & co are out drinking (I like the choice of tequila, cause they usually choose beer as hardcore liquor you can get drunk on…pfft).

Boozing it up leads to some straight-up realness from Nisha.

The general attitude is “Let’s just pretend that never happened.”

However, to add injury to humiliation, poor Nisha sprains her ankle during rehearsal.

The lead dancer is injured, vanity project is under threat…so it’s time for some DRUMS for Rahul.

And who is it dancing next door to the sound of his freestyle beats? Pooja, of course!

Part 2

Race (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Ronnie’s dead! South African police assigns the case to the two of the most competent investigators EVER.

Just kidding. Actually, these two are the worst.

Sonia and Rajiv bullshit through the interrogation and present Ranvir’s death as an accident.

RD is suspicious, so he gets them to identify the body.

The fact that Rajiv is getting 100 million dollars (rupees? South African rands?) of insurance money seems suspicious too.

Hysterical Sophia shows up at the office and claims she was Ranvir’s WIFE!

Shocked faces all around.

Flashback! They got married during Ranvir’s business trip to Cape Town.

Sonia is not amused with this turn of events.

Herpy-derpy truck driver! Of course, Rajiv was the one behind the failed “truck accident” assassination attempt. This time he hires our friend Herpy-Derpy to kill Sophia.

Rajiv is actually in cahoots with Sophia!

In a shirtless confession Rajiv tells the story of his endless rivalry with Ranvir. They’re STEPBROTHERS and their Dad has always loved Ranvir more. Also Ranvir used to totally beat him at cycling.

Sophia’s not really interested in the emo backstory and reminds Ranvir of Sonia.

Well, not really a twist, but it was sure cold of Ranvir to hire Herpy-Derpy to kill Sonia and take her along for the meeting.

There’s a huge segment with RD and Mini investigating Ranvir’s marriage to Sophia. I’m not going to recap it. Suffice to say, Johnny Lever is in it.

Ranvir and Sophia were never married, it was all faked and RD knows all about it.

RD promises our two lovebirds a clean insurance report, if they cut him a share in the profits.

Rajiv leaves the insurance sanction letter lying around, so that Sonia finds it.

Suspicious, she follows him and discovers that he’s with Sophia.

They lure her into a very empty parking lot.

I’m sorry Sonia, but that is just shitty parking, girl.

Herpy-Derpy is the WORST ASSASSIN EVER. Get a gun or something, you silly goose! Cars DO NOT make good weapons!

YES! RANVIR IS ACTUALLY ALIVE!

AND HE SAVES SONIA FROM HERPY-DERPY! RIP HERPY.

After a story-defining musical number…

…we turn to Sophia and Rajiv, who enter their lovenest, just to find that somebody has recorded Rajiv’s shirtless confession on tape.

That somebody is a very smug Ranvir!

Ranvir lets them know that he’s been onto the assassination plan since the very first attempt.

Hey, Ranvir, buddy, wouldn’t it be easier to confront your bro right after his first attempt to kill you? Why stage all the drama and fake relationships and deaths? Just sayin’.

If I was Ranvir and knew that Rajiv had hatched three different plans to kill me off, I’d keep it simple and pull that trigger.

Your stepbrother has tried to kill you multiple times, DO NOT FREAKING SWITCH CARS WITH HIM!

Duh. Of course.

Ranvir/Ronny/Ronie calls up Rajiv to tell him the car has been “Speed”-ified.

Yup, Ranvir didn’t even plant that bomb. He ain’t no Dennis Hopper in “Speed”. Still, Rajiv believed in his bluff and is dead as a door-nail.

To the surprise of nobody, Ranvir has been working with that guy with the fabulous hair all along (the death fake-out, the morgue visit, etc.).

He gives RD his share of the 200 million.

There’s a BOMB in the bag with the money!

The bomb doesn’t go off…BOO! Just good old Ranvir…being dramatic.

Seeing as in promos for Race 2 both Saif Ali Khan and Anil Kapoor are prominently featured, I’m assuming he meant Bipasha Basu and Sameera Reddy.