KANK! Don’t judge me harshly, but I have a soft spot for Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. I know that a lot of people are offended by the subject matter of KANK, but…seriously? KANK is just so silly, that I find it hard to be offended. It’s like a sitcom mixed with a European play! Also, nobody should ever take KANK seriously for the following reasons:
- First of all, it’s a total ripoff of the De Niro/Streep starrer “Falling In Love”. A ripoff so blatant I’m surprised no one has ever called KJo out on it.
- Secondly, don’t tell me KJo wasn’t watching Dr. House before writing this movie, cause Shah Rukh’s douche of a character was definetely inspired by a certain diagnostician with a limp.
- Thirdly, the three people who wrote this movie either did not communicate with each other or were on mood-altering drugs, cause that’s the only way I can explain the wild shifts in the narrative. Masala movies have got NOTHING on KANK.
- Lastly…the freaking BLACK BEAST plot. Come on, now. Any movie that features something as silly as that BLACK BEAST plot, can not be judged seriously.
With all these highly important points out of the way, I present you our four protagonists.
Desi Beckham aka Dev, who has just signed a $5 million contract to play professional football in the US. Yeah. That’s not a typo…FIVE MILLION. For football aka soccer. In the US of A. Ahem. (I told you KANK was silly!).
Riya, Dev’s wifey, who has just been appointed chief editor of a major fashion magazine.
Maya, who is ambivalent about getting married.
Rishi, who loves Maya, but is ambivalent about getting married, cause he’s scared she doesn’t love him back. Also in the frame, Rishi’s pervy Dad Samarjeet aka Sexy Sam.
Dev chances upon Maya contemplating her upcoming shaadi on a bench (what is it with KJo and benches?). He convinces her to be pragmatic and give marriage a shot, reasoning that romantic love is basically a marketing ploy.
Right after sharing the unsolicited advice, future superstar of US football gets hit by a car. RIP $5 million.
Four years later, and New York is terrorized by BLACK BEAST, a serial kidnapper, who wears a long black coat and snatches little children.
Dev has developed a limp and a personality of an angry asshole, but he’s not the BLACK BEAST.
Maya’s not the BLACK BEAST either, but she’s totally regretting the marriage thing.
BLACK BEAST reunites our one-time acquaintances, when Maya overhears Dev chiding his little son for poor footballing skills. Rightly freaked out by threats of “cutting into tiny pieces and making jamba juice out of you”, she thinks Dev is the BLACK BEAST.
What follows could have been lifted straight out of a Benny Hill special. She grabs the boy and runs, with Dev in hot pursuit. BLACK BEAST confusion ensues. It all ends with Dev hitting her in the head with a football.
Rishi and Riya meet while picking up their black beasts from the hospital.
Dev and Maya have recognized each other from four years ago and are already bickering.
A week later, they meet in the train station and witness Rishi and Riya getting friendly.
What follows is another segment straight out of The Benny Hill Show.
Dev is jealous!
Maya is also jealous!
Sexy Sam is always surrounded by prostitutes (I’m not being mean or anything, these women are literally call girls)! Anyway, of course, there is nothing going on between Rishi and Riya. Rishi was only trying to get Riya to come to the party his PR firm had organized.
The two black beasts stand around in the corner during the whole party, cause they’re too anti-social to mingle and dance with Kajol.
Sexy Sam tries some ice-breaking exercises to ease the tension.
Instead of talking to their respective spouses or going to counseling or something (you know, like normal people), Dev and Maya decide to join forces and fix their marriages with self-help books and a number of unconventional methods.
I’m assuming that they’re not getting laid at all, cause in order to solve their marital problems…
…Maya teaches Dev to talk dirty to Riya…
…and Dev advises Maya to buy skimpy lingerie and a whip.
The massage and the dirty talk don’t work well for Riya.
The dominatrix act also goes horribly wrong, cause Maya decides to blindfold herself (WHY?!). She shows up brandishing her whip to a room full of Rishi’s friends and his creepy Dad.
Content with the minimal effort they’ve put in the “fix our marriages” project, Dev and Maya just hang out and go on “friend dates”.
Pyaar dosti hai…you know the drill.
Meanwhile the real problems in Dev’s marriage come to the surface.
Riya rightly accuses Dev of being a narrow-minded misogynist and a bitter curmudgeon.
Maya’s lack of enthusiasm also riles Rishi up.
He calls her out on marrying him for the wrong reasons and lets it slip in a moment of rage, that he wants the child he can’t have.
Being the black beasts that they are, both Maya and Dev end up at the train station in the middle of the night.
For one short millisecond they agree to NOT have an affair. But then…