Ek Tha Tiger (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

After the dramatic conclusion of the first part of this recap, we cut to Delhi, where Tiger is explaining that he REALLY really had to kill somebody during this particular assignment.

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He’s riding home with one of the RAW agents one night, when…

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Shocker! Tiger puts two and two together and realizes that somebody’s sending him a coded message. It’s not a very hard code to crack, as the intercepted messages state that “Zee TV is going to be covering the UN Foreign Minister’s Peace Summit in Istanbul. Is Doordarshan going to be covering the event?”. That’s some lameass coding, if you ask me. I mean, even worst RAW agent Tiger cracked it.

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Sure enough, during the Peace summit…

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UNDEAD ZEE! Is she a vampire now?

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No such luck…Zee wasn’t the one Tiger killed in Dublin. We flashback to before the intermission and witness Tiger killing off Feroz aka the guy who stole his phone. Zoya was spared and that’s how she has been sending him lamely coded messages.

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They sneak out of the summit and Zee confesses her love for Tiger.

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All sense of honor and duty is forgotten, as they make plans to ditch the service and live together happily ever after.

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Although it seems that Zee is trying to get Tiger into the hands of some extremely attractive ISI agents.

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Tiger overhears her scheming with the hotties, but decides to follow his heart and not his secret agent instinct.

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It turns out Zoya was just bluffing with the studs and she actually wants to run away with Tiger.

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Those disguises are blowing my mind, by the way.

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Worst secret agents in the history of RAW and ISI hide out in Cuba. Their days are spent frolicking on the beaches and enjoying the warm climate. The idyllic lifestyle doesn’t last, unfortunately.

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 They’re out on a walk, when unsuspecting muggers hit them up. Sure enough, Tiger and Zoya beat all of them up and the whole thing is caught on camera.

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You are secret agents, people! Do some goddamn work! Find the tape and destroy it or something!

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Although, I probably wouldn’t run, if this guy was the one chasing me. The comeback of the hottie ISI agents!

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Zee and Tiger are forced to leave with the ISI agents, but on their way to the ISI cars, what little training they had kicks in and they manage to escape.

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I would have bet on Tiger to be caught first, but it’s Zee who is led away in handcuffs.

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Gopi, the only competent RAW agent is also in Cuba and Tiger tries to get some help from him to rescue Zee from the handsome clutches of ISI spies.

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Tiger convinces him that Zoya will cooperate with India and spill all Pakistani secrets, if they rescue her. AND GOPI FALLS FOR IT! GOPI, YOU WERE MY ONLY HOPE IN THIS MOVIE, COME ON, MAN!

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With the help of RAW agents, Tiger  manages to flee with Zee.

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RAW and ISI agents both are after them, but when you’ve got a plane and a motorcycle, there’s nothing much highly trained secret agents can do.

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Agent Zee and Agent Doordarshan escape, never to be seen again. They finally make use of their dormant professional skills and manage to hide away for good. Either that or RAW and ISI don’t want to spend precious resources on two mediocre (being generous here) spies.

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Ek Tha Tiger (Photo Recap Pt. 1)

Once there was a Tiger. Tiger was a highly trained undercover agent for RAW. It’s unclear why his nickname was Tiger. Was it because he looked like a Tiger? Was it because he was badass like a Tiger? Was it because he tended to kill a lot of people during his assignments? Was it because he sucked at every other aspect of being an undercover agent? I personally think the person who nicknamed him may have been going for Tigger and just skipped the extra “g” for numerological reasons.

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Our story starts with Tiger killing about a hundred ISI agents in Iraq, cause that’s just how he rolls.

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RAW boss Shenoy is tired of the unnecessary body count, cause he assigns Tiger to tail an eccentric scientist in Ireland.

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The Nutty Professor is suspected to be in cahoots with Pakistan.

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Hello, Tiger, bete, you are supposed to be an undercover agent, na? Be more obvious, dude!

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Tiger’s idea of stealth is busting into the Nutty Professor’s house and getting shooed out by the housekeeper/dance student Zoya.

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Zoya’s a softie, cause after getting  Tiger out of the house, she befriends him at an alarming speed.

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Doordarshan is a fun nickname, but it’s a bitch to type out.

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Zee, beti, he was breaking and entering five minutes ago, maybe rethink inviting him over?

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Soon, Zee and Tiger are flirting up a storm.

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Gopi, another RAW agent is in Dublin and it seems he’s tailing our boy Tiger to make sure he doesn’t screw up.

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Tiger does need supervision, cause he has totally forgotten The Nutty Professor in favor of Zee.

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10 years in the industry and still with the accent…

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After the unsuccessful Hindi lesson, hapless Tiger is attacked and robbed at his home. At this point, I’m considering changing his nickname from Tiger/Doordarshan to Dopey. WORST SECRET AGENT EVER.

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Undeterred by the fact that possible rival agents are onto him, Tiger continues pursuing Zee.

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Zoya abruptly walks away after almost kissing him (RUDE!). But our Tiger is not discouraged easily, so the next day he grabs a huge bouquet and heads to see the play Zoya is starring in.

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On his way there, he sees the phone thieg/possible ISI agent.

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Tiger chases the guy down with disastrous results. The chase scene is kickass and all, but he doesn’t catch the guy! I mean, how hard is it to nab ONE freaking person if your nickname is TIGER?

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Leaving the further pursuit of the ISI agent to Gopi, Tiger goes to Zoya’s Pinocchio play. Which…I wish all Western plays/operas/ballets were really the way Bollywood movies portray them.

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In the middle of the highly exciting Irish dancing, Gopi calls with bad news.

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Tiger barges into the Nutty Professor’s house, only to discover…

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…that Zee has been an undercover ISI Agent all along!

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DUN DUN DUN!

Part 2

Race (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Ronnie’s dead! South African police assigns the case to the two of the most competent investigators EVER.

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Just kidding. Actually, these two are the worst.

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Sonia and Rajiv bullshit through the interrogation and present Ranvir’s death as an accident.

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RD is suspicious, so he gets them to identify the body.

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The fact that Rajiv is getting 100 million dollars (rupees? South African rands?) of insurance money seems suspicious too.

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Hysterical Sophia shows up at the office and claims she was Ranvir’s WIFE!

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Shocked faces all around.

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Flashback! They got married during Ranvir’s business trip to Cape Town.

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Sonia is not amused with this turn of events.

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Herpy-derpy truck driver! Of course, Rajiv was the one behind the failed “truck accident” assassination attempt. This time he hires our friend Herpy-Derpy to kill Sophia.

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Rajiv is actually in cahoots with Sophia!

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In a shirtless confession Rajiv tells the story of his endless rivalry with Ranvir. They’re STEPBROTHERS and their Dad has always loved Ranvir more. Also Ranvir used to totally beat him at cycling.

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Sophia’s not really interested in the emo backstory and reminds Ranvir of Sonia.

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Well, not really a twist, but it was sure cold of Ranvir to hire Herpy-Derpy to kill Sonia and take her along for the meeting.

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There’s a huge segment with RD and Mini investigating Ranvir’s marriage to Sophia. I’m not going to recap it. Suffice to say, Johnny Lever is in it.

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Ranvir and Sophia were never married, it was all faked and RD knows all about it.

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RD promises our two lovebirds a clean insurance report, if they cut him a share in the profits.

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Rajiv leaves the insurance sanction letter lying around, so that Sonia finds it.

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Suspicious, she follows him and discovers that he’s with Sophia.

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They lure her into a very empty parking lot.

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I’m sorry Sonia, but that is just shitty parking, girl.

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Herpy-Derpy is the WORST ASSASSIN EVER. Get a gun or something, you silly goose! Cars DO NOT make good weapons!

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YES! RANVIR IS ACTUALLY ALIVE!

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AND HE SAVES SONIA FROM HERPY-DERPY! RIP HERPY.

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After a story-defining musical number…

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…we turn to Sophia and Rajiv, who enter their lovenest, just to find that somebody has recorded Rajiv’s shirtless confession on tape.

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That somebody is a very smug Ranvir!

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Ranvir lets them know that he’s been onto the assassination plan since the very first attempt.

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Hey, Ranvir, buddy, wouldn’t it be easier to confront your bro right after his first attempt to kill you? Why stage all the drama and fake relationships and deaths? Just sayin’.

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If I was Ranvir and knew that Rajiv had hatched three different plans to kill me off, I’d keep it simple and pull that trigger.

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Your stepbrother has tried to kill you multiple times, DO NOT FREAKING SWITCH CARS WITH HIM!

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Duh. Of course.

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Ranvir/Ronny/Ronie calls up Rajiv to tell him the car has been “Speed”-ified.

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Yup, Ranvir didn’t even plant that bomb. He ain’t no Dennis Hopper in “Speed”. Still, Rajiv believed in his bluff and is dead as a door-nail.

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To the surprise of nobody, Ranvir has been working with that guy with the fabulous hair all along (the death fake-out, the morgue visit, etc.).

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He gives RD his share of the 200 million.

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There’s a BOMB in the bag with the money!

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The bomb doesn’t go off…BOO! Just good old Ranvir…being dramatic.

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Seeing as in promos for Race 2 both Saif Ali Khan and Anil Kapoor are prominently featured, I’m assuming he meant Bipasha Basu and Sameera Reddy.

Race (Photo Recap Pt. 1)

It wasn’t until Race 2 promotions began with Allah Duhai Hai (click on this link, if you haven’t seen this promo song. It is CRACKED OUT and amazing), that I finally decided to watch Race. I’m glad to say that I loved the shit out of it. It’s ridiculous and improbable and irritating and it has TOO MANY TWISTS (seriously, M. Night Shyamalan is jealous of the amount of twists this movie has), but it’s awesome in its craziness. Also, how can you not love a movie that starts out with a mysterious car crash setup?

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We don’t get to see who was the victim of the herpy-derpy truck driver, instead we segue directly to the introduction of our characters.

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Ranvir Singh. Lives on the edge. Loves extreme sports and owns a stable.

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Monto, the only jockey in the stable. Ranvir is working him into the ground. Poor guy looks about 100 years old.

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Sonia. Ranvir’s model “friend”. They haven’t defined the relationship yet.

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Although Ranvir would definitely like to get aboard the Sonia train.

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Ranvir’s secretary Sophia. She wants a piece of him, but I guess Ranvir is either blind or blinded by Sonia, cause he doesn’t really notice.

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Rajiv, the borderline alcoholic younger brother.

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Horse racing.

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Ranvir & co.’s horse loses to Madan Chopra Kabir’s horse.

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Seriously, what does he even mean by that? Ranvir is too deep for my limited brain.

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Ranvir & Rajiv spy on Monto, the jockey, and realize that Madan Chopra Kabir has been bribing him.

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And he does. I thought he would maybe threaten Monto or break his arm or beat him up a bit…but half-measures are not for Ranvir. He just straight up blows the poor jockey up. Hey, Ranvir, if you payed that 100 year old jockey a bit more, maybe this wouldn’t happen!

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Farewell, Monto…we hardly knew ye.

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Oh, remember the assassination attempt that happened in the beginning of the movie?

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Somebody was trying to kill off Ranvir! Unsuccessfully.

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Apparently the short form for “Ranvir” is “Ronny”. Erm. Moving on…Ronnie recovers pretty soon and throws a cowboy-themed party in the stable.

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Sonia shows up.

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Rajiv likes what he sees.

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He vows to stop drinking if Sonia becomes his girlfriend/wife/second half.

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Ronnie takes one for the team and basically hands over Sonia to his bro.

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Sonia is a bit rattled at first.

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But then the wisdom of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai gets to her.

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Ranvir…Rajiv…basically the same difference.

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BUT WAIT! TWIST! Sonia is actually a hardened criminal, who has been after Ranvir’s money all along.

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Rajiv has a file full of dirt on her and he’s not afraid to use it for blackmail.

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Turns out he’s not that good of a bro…he just wants to kill off Ranvir and collect the insurance money.

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Sonia and Rajiv are getting married!

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After the wedding Rajiv stumbles home totally drunk. Ranvir is outraged and can’t believe his brother is not keeping the promise to stop drinking.

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Rajiv’s nefarious plan includes some guilty sexy times for Sonia and Ranvir.

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This is just wrong. Ugh, Rajiv…you’re the worst.

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Ranvir confesses that he gave Sonia up for his own brother.

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Seriously, Rajiv. STOP WATCHING!

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And they do it right in front of all the horses. And Rajiv.

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A couple of days later, Ranvir is in da club with Sophia (why? Why even ask the question “why?”…it’s RACE!) and he’s totally leading her on.

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Even though Sophia is wooing him with “Zara Zara Touch Me”, all Ranvir can think about is his steamy night with Sonia.

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Meanwhile Rajiv refreshes Sonia on his genius plan: 1) make Ranvir give up Sonia, 2) vow to give up drinking, 3) get married to Sonia, 4) start drinking again, 5) guilt Ranvir into sleeping with Sonia, 6) “find out” about the Ranvir/Sonia affair, 7) go to the office terrace, 8) call Ranvir and blame him for the affair, 9) get Ranvir to come to the terrace, 10) make Sonia push Ranvir off the terrace.

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Sonia is sporting the “bitch, you do all the acting and I do all the killing? WTF?” expression.

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SONIA IS IN WITH RANVIR! She’s been telling him about his brother’s plan!

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The plan is in motion.

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EVEN THOUGH IN THE PREVIOUS TWIST WE FOUND OUT THAT SONIA IS WORKING WITH RANVIR, SHE STILL PUSHES HIM OFF THE OFFICE TERRACE!

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BAM!

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Part 2

Jab Tak Hai Jaan (Photo Recap Pt. 4)

Part 1,  Part 2 and Part 3 of the recap.

Head trauma again for poor Samar. And this time accompanied by the usual…

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He has the retrograde kind and can’t remember anything that happened after the first accident (helpful tip, dear writers, if you have TWO head trauma inducing accidents in one movie, please go back to the writing room and try ANYTHING else). He’s asking for Meera, and Akira seeks her out.

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Meera is apparently married to Rog, our gora underdog and has a grown daughter.

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She’s not completely heartless and goes along with the charade.

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Meera lies to him that they’ve been married for 5 years and have been together for the past 10. She also clears up a few things with Akira.

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Rog and his daughter are just good friends!

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The girls conspire to keep Samar in the dark about the whole situation until he recovers. Samar moves in with Meera…and then SHE COMMITS A SIN AGAINST SEXINESS BY SHAVING OFF THAT GLORIOUS STUBBLE..

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To trigger his memories Akira  meets up with Samar and spends some time with him in his old hangouts.

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She realizes that the grumpy Samar she knows was a very hyper and happy person in the past. It’s all because of Sir Jesus and Meera that he’s changed. She meets up with Meera again and tells her to stop with the Jesus nonsense.

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Meanwhile Samar is taking the subway, when a bomb threat warning sounds off.

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This triggers Samar’s memory and he goes in to defuse the bomb. YEAH. The London subway security just lets a random guy defuse a bomb. Just because he spews a couple of technical terms. With all the racial profiling, they would have probably killed him on the spot.

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Anyway.

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Later that day he calls Meera to Sir Jesus’s special church to renew their vows.

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He tells her that he remembers everything and intends to go back to defusing bombs in India.

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Aaaand Samar is back in the army! AND THE BEARD IS BACK! THANK SIR JESUS!

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So is Meera! Who has finally realized that the whole Sir Jesus thing is bullshit, Samar’s beard is amazing and she doesn’t want to end up alone.

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Samar defuses his last bomb successfully and comes back with the cheapest engagement ring ever (ok, I’ll admit it was kind of romantic).

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Well, Akira was probably heartbroken…but still!

Jab Tak Hai Jaan (Photo Recap Pt. 3)

Part 1 and Part 2 of the recap.

Akira is persistent. She manages to wrangle out an assignment from the Discovery Channel to basically stalk her crush.

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Of course, Samar saves her from an explosion. He also fixes her un-fixable camera and entices her with his magical singing.

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Akira’s stalkerish obsession starts to grow.

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Being the modern girl she is, Akira is straightforward.

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But in all this flirting, stalking and obsessing our girl really falls for the soldier.

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The two weeks of the assignment are over and she leaves for London.

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The honchos at Discovery Channel lurve Samar’s story (it’s the beard…it’s hypnotizing), and want him to come down to London.

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He’s not into the idea of going to London at first, but changes his mind pretty quickly and surprises Akira at the Discovery Channel HQ.

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And then this happens.

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It’s like the third time he’s saving her life. How is she still alive?

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Part 4

Jab Tak Hai Jaan (Photo Recap Pt. 2)

Part 1 of the recap.

Meera is conflicted. She’s singing at her Dad’s birthday party, but hallucinating about Samar. And I’ve seen enough Bollywood movies to know that hallucinations during a song are a sign of true love.

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However, there’s a glitch. See, Meera loves her Dad very VERY much. Her Dad wants her to marry Roger, the gora guy. She can’t break her Dad’s heart…cause years ago her Mom dumped her Dad (flawless logic, I know!). She meets Samar and tells him the sad story of her Dad’s heartbreak. Samar is not impressed, but agrees to remain “very good friends”. Meera makes a promise to Sir Jesus to never cross the line of friendship with Samar (she obviously hasn’t seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai…Meera, girl, everyone knows PYAAR DOSTI HAI!).

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In a shocking development, Meera’s Mom contacts her before the wedding. Meera calls up Samar and they go down to a vineyard in England (?), where all the misunderstandings are cleared up in a jiffy.

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With no family drama standing in the way, there’s only one thing left to do – make out in different settings!

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And then…

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Even though our hero was wearing a helmet (VERY rare occurrence in a Hindi film), he gets into an accident, proving that helmets are stupid and unnecessary.

In a tribute to The End of the Affair, Meera promises Sir Jesus to never meet Samar, if he manages to survive the accident.

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Sir Jesus is a man/deity of his word, cause he instantly revives Samar.

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Instead of behaving like an adult and trying to talk Meera out of her stupid promise, Samar goes to see Sir Jesus.

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END FLASHBACK!

Akira is impressed (most of it is the beard, let’s be real).

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Samar doesn’t want to talk about his feud with Sir Jesus.

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Part 3Part 4.